I’m die

I’m died

I’m numb

I’m dumb

I don’t hope for anything

Since they don’t even want me

Maybe it’s better for them if I’m not here

Better for them if I’m die

Better for another people for not seeing me

No one want me still alive

Like literally no one

Even my parents

No one.

Iklan

If i

If I never be here now, would you still notice me?

If I never born, would you still be friends with me?

If I never do sins, would you still see me better?

If I never be your daughter, would you still do the same way?

If I never be your friends, would you still be kind with me?

And if I’m not here anymore, would it be better for you guys?

I’m sorry

Maybe I have tell you more than once. The happiest place ever for me is only When Its only me there. You know in the end you’ll always being alone.

We are in different place, yet different time, and different situations so those all of might the reasons why.

I’m not belong anywhere

What a simple sentence but has a big effect for me.

Make me think a few times, how if I’m not longer here anymore? Are they will miss me? Are they will ever remember me? Are they will stand to be at least see me for the last time?

I might not a good person at all.

But I’m sorry, I’m really sorry from the deepest of my heart.

Between -28.02.2018- till -01.03.2018-

How I Stay Being so Positive?

Another day I think I got enough with all of this. I don’t know where the faith will lead me. When the hope getting higher day by day but with one moment it jumped into the deep, yea the hope was blown away with the wind.

The question is still I want all of this?

The hope who is keeping me still positive, the hope who is keeping me still know where I should to go. But when it gone, I don’t have any reason for stay being positive or for know where I should to go next.

Im fine but i just can’t help for all my tears. It just tears down over my face without I can handle it. I know it’s wrong for being like this but no one can help me now.

Last year I thought I could pass this day through for next time but the fact, still I couldn’t. That day when I’m too afraid for face the problem I need to take those medicine. For this time I tried to not take any medicine even everyday I realized how I too fragile to face all of this and maybe I’ll get my limit. But for now please just let me to believe once again to God. Oh GOD, only you who can I trust and rely for now. Even though I don’t know why you put me on this situation.

#BeingDeprresionIsNotWhatIWant #PleaseStayPositive #Depression

The Conclusion?

So happy New Years guys.

My resolution for this year? Ehm I could get pass for my exam then get the MD soon then I’ll travel to some of country that I haven’t go there. Amin.

So simple? But nah. What I planned for this year suddenly is ruining. It’s still 1st month of this year but I didn’t even passed on the 2nd exam. Fyi, there 5 exam and i must to pass all of the exam. But it was at the 2nd exam then I failed.

Anyway, I just realized maybe this is how god test me for all of good thing I had at the early last year.

• Too much of a good thing wont be good anymore • by Sam Smith

I lost all my believe actually, I lost the people that I trusted so much. I cant trust anyone or everything anymore. This is the part when I’m feeling it’s only about me. No more about he or she.

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Are you believe that His plan is the best plan ever in this world? Well for now I’m tryin to believe that.

Since that day I met some of people with their problem. And mine was nothing if it compared with them.

At least I knew there are a few people were really here for me. Included Him. (Re:God). Even though the people you not know very well. Thank for being a good listeners for me.

#DepressionIsReal #PleaseBeAwareBesideYou #DepressionIsNotABadThing #Depression #MentalHealth

Bad Blood

It’s simple just start it from hello. Let’s go somewhere

After all I’m trying to understands everyone, I know people almost 1 year and more but you still can’t even know me yet? Still doesn’t know who am I?

You know it I always there, I mean yea i always tryin to be available when you want to go somewhere, yes I’m really appreciate it if you want to be the first one who asked me to go out. But in the fact that was always me who asked you. Oh come on this not only about me or only about you but it’s about us.

Call me make my own a conclusion but, it’s because the other said it to me first. When the other seems know about us but you don’t.

When the others could see there’s something wrong about us 🤣 it means you aren’t pro enough to hide this, are you?

This may a few part describe about us now?

So take a look what you’ve done

Now we’ve got problems

And I don’t think we can solve ’em

You made a really deep cut

Did you have to do this?

I was thinking that you could be trusted

Did you think we’d be fine?

Still got scars in my back from knives

It’s so sad to think about the good times, you and I

(Back sound and lyric) : Taylor Swift-Bad blood

When home not feels like home anymore

Call me a desperate person, I know people out there maybe has a same story with me. Have you ever think home is feels like not a home anymore?

Well since we have him, (my brother) I don’t know maybe I think they only care about him, since I know he is a quite different with me, she said. The problem yes im still count on em as a parents. I still need em to be honest. And I often think maybe they don’t even need me, yes maybe if I’m not here anymore it’ll be better for them, at least they problem will less one.

When the other said they have those pain because a boyfie, because their friends or what else, actually a fight with parents are the worst. Thanks for the routine activity to make me keep on my mind after all. I know how it feel being an unwanted person.

No wonder if I got a depression and anxiety. No I’m not shame with those mental illness. Thanks God to keep me still on my mind. Thanks god.

I really love them, I swear. But I dont know how to not make a mess with them. I’m sorry God if I’m always make em angry, you know I don’t mean it.

#depression #depressionnotes

Friends? Or (fri)End?

This is exactly what I think now. Maybe you’ll think this is just a little one unnecessary things. You know when I felt this way it’s become worse than before, like At the first time I tried to think positively maybe it was only my feeling. But it happened not only once, so I just try to understand what they were saying, i laughed when they joke yes. I gave em respond for all of those story they’ve told. Yet still I’m feeling so lonely, I don’t get it why they could be so enjoy the story even when it without me inside.

When I told em what I think about this, they only said “Oh dear that’s only your feeling, no it’s not what we mean, it’s okay we trying to make you inside us”

“Oh that’s bullshit, I trust em ya after that. But they do it again.”

Hell yeah how could I still trust you guys? Just a sweet talk thanks I don’t need it.

I only need you are guys here, and I inside of your lines. Sorry if it seems so selfish. But how I could be stay if I don’t even can across the line that have you guys made?

So I think even without me, you guys gonna be alright, because I’m not inside your line too. And I have proved it. Even without me there you just act like nothing happen with us.

#ThanksForEverything #ThanksForBeingMyFriend

Media social

Have you ever wondering if there’s no media social in our life nowadays?

Honestly, I’ll say it will better without it. Sometimes i feels like it’ll ruin my life. Yes everyone can say everything in their media social freely. But every sentence they posted for one people, yes maybe this note for you guys (no, I’m kidding).

When suddenly the sosial media is being the first place we know about the newest thing about something yet it become the place when we hurt the others from what we posted.

Jadi karena saya juga orangnya egois, kadang ingin uneg-unegnya di keluar is supaya orang itu tau, supaya orang itu tersindir, tanpa saya sadari justru hal itu yang akan membuat semuanya semalem runyam. Padahal saya pastinya tidak mau di begitukan juga oleh orang lain. Hanya karena rasa egoisme semata, ya pada akhirnya saya posting juga.

Pada akhirnya saya minta maaf untuk semua yang saya posting disini mungkin menyinggung orang lain. Tapi memang ini uneg-uneg yang saya ingin sampai kan se dari dulu. Saya selalu me jaga semua ini tapi paling tidak saya berusaha ini tidak dilihat oleh orang lain.

Ps: I know it’s better to talk with God afterall.

(26-11-2017)

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