How I Stay Being so Positive?

Another day I think I got enough with all of this. I don’t know where the faith will lead me. When the hope getting higher day by day but with one moment it jumped into the deep, yea the hope was blown away with the wind.

The question is still I want all of this?

The hope who is keeping me still positive, the hope who is keeping me still know where I should to go. But when it gone, I don’t have any reason for stay being positive or for know where I should to go next.

Im fine but i just can’t help for all my tears. It just tears down over my face without I can handle it. I know it’s wrong for being like this but no one can help me now.

Last year I thought I could pass this day through for next time but the fact, still I couldn’t. That day when I’m too afraid for face the problem I need to take those medicine. For this time I tried to not take any medicine even everyday I realized how I too fragile to face all of this and maybe I’ll get my limit. But for now please just let me to believe once again to God. Oh GOD, only you who can I trust and rely for now. Even though I don’t know why you put me on this situation.

#BeingDeprresionIsNotWhatIWant #PleaseStayPositive #Depression


The Conclusion?

So happy New Years guys.

My resolution for this year? Ehm I could get pass for my exam then get the MD soon then I’ll travel to some of country that I haven’t go there. Amin.

So simple? But nah. What I planned for this year suddenly is ruining. It’s still 1st month of this year but I didn’t even passed on the 2nd exam. Fyi, there 5 exam and i must to pass all of the exam. But it was at the 2nd exam then I failed.

Anyway, I just realized maybe this is how god test me for all of good thing I had at the early last year.

• Too much of a good thing wont be good anymore • by Sam Smith

I lost all my believe actually, I lost the people that I trusted so much. I cant trust anyone or everything anymore. This is the part when I’m feeling it’s only about me. No more about he or she.








Are you believe that His plan is the best plan ever in this world? Well for now I’m tryin to believe that.

Since that day I met some of people with their problem. And mine was nothing if it compared with them.

At least I knew there are a few people were really here for me. Included Him. (Re:God). Even though the people you not know very well. Thank for being a good listeners for me.

#DepressionIsReal #PleaseBeAwareBesideYou #DepressionIsNotABadThing #Depression #MentalHealth

Bad Blood

It’s simple just start it from hello. Let’s go somewhere

After all I’m trying to understands everyone, I know people almost 1 year and more but you still can’t even know me yet? Still doesn’t know who am I?

You know it I always there, I mean yea i always tryin to be available when you want to go somewhere, yes I’m really appreciate it if you want to be the first one who asked me to go out. But in the fact that was always me who asked you. Oh come on this not only about me or only about you but it’s about us.

Call me make my own a conclusion but, it’s because the other said it to me first. When the other seems know about us but you don’t.

When the others could see there’s something wrong about us 🤣 it means you aren’t pro enough to hide this, are you?

This may a few part describe about us now?

So take a look what you’ve done

Now we’ve got problems

And I don’t think we can solve ’em

You made a really deep cut

Did you have to do this?

I was thinking that you could be trusted

Did you think we’d be fine?

Still got scars in my back from knives

It’s so sad to think about the good times, you and I

(Back sound and lyric) : Taylor Swift-Bad blood

When home not feels like home anymore

Call me a desperate person, I know people out there maybe has a same story with me. Have you ever think home is feels like not a home anymore?

Well since we have him, (my brother) I don’t know maybe I think they only care about him, since I know he is a quite different with me, she said. The problem yes im still count on em as a parents. I still need em to be honest. And I often think maybe they don’t even need me, yes maybe if I’m not here anymore it’ll be better for them, at least they problem will less one.

When the other said they have those pain because a boyfie, because their friends or what else, actually a fight with parents are the worst. Thanks for the routine activity to make me keep on my mind after all. I know how it feel being an unwanted person.

No wonder if I got a depression and anxiety. No I’m not shame with those mental illness. Thanks God to keep me still on my mind. Thanks god.

I really love them, I swear. But I dont know how to not make a mess with them. I’m sorry God if I’m always make em angry, you know I don’t mean it.

#depression #depressionnotes

Friends? Or (fri)End?

This is exactly what I think now. Maybe you’ll think this is just a little one unnecessary things. You know when I felt this way it’s become worse than before, like At the first time I tried to think positively maybe it was only my feeling. But it happened not only once, so I just try to understand what they were saying, i laughed when they joke yes. I gave em respond for all of those story they’ve told. Yet still I’m feeling so lonely, I don’t get it why they could be so enjoy the story even when it without me inside.

When I told em what I think about this, they only said “Oh dear that’s only your feeling, no it’s not what we mean, it’s okay we trying to make you inside us”

“Oh that’s bullshit, I trust em ya after that. But they do it again.”

Hell yeah how could I still trust you guys? Just a sweet talk thanks I don’t need it.

I only need you are guys here, and I inside of your lines. Sorry if it seems so selfish. But how I could be stay if I don’t even can across the line that have you guys made?

So I think even without me, you guys gonna be alright, because I’m not inside your line too. And I have proved it. Even without me there you just act like nothing happen with us.

#ThanksForEverything #ThanksForBeingMyFriend

Media social

Have you ever wondering if there’s no media social in our life nowadays?

Honestly, I’ll say it will better without it. Sometimes i feels like it’ll ruin my life. Yes everyone can say everything in their media social freely. But every sentence they posted for one people, yes maybe this note for you guys (no, I’m kidding).

When suddenly the sosial media is being the first place we know about the newest thing about something yet it become the place when we hurt the others from what we posted.

Jadi karena saya juga orangnya egois, kadang ingin uneg-unegnya di keluar is supaya orang itu tau, supaya orang itu tersindir, tanpa saya sadari justru hal itu yang akan membuat semuanya semalem runyam. Padahal saya pastinya tidak mau di begitukan juga oleh orang lain. Hanya karena rasa egoisme semata, ya pada akhirnya saya posting juga.

Pada akhirnya saya minta maaf untuk semua yang saya posting disini mungkin menyinggung orang lain. Tapi memang ini uneg-uneg yang saya ingin sampai kan se dari dulu. Saya selalu me jaga semua ini tapi paling tidak saya berusaha ini tidak dilihat oleh orang lain.

Ps: I know it’s better to talk with God afterall.


When your effort means nothing

Seems so desperate when you see the title but in here I only want to ask about one question. Do you know about empathy?

Mungkin terlihat sepele ketika kamu tahu bahwa jaman sekarang sebuah empati itu langka untuk dilikukan. Sejujurnya saya bukan lah se seorang yang memiliki nilai empati sempurna, well tentunya kesempurnaan hanya milik Allah, tetapi yang ingin saya bahas disini, pernah tidak kalian memposisikan diri kalian di posisi orang lain? Ikut merasakan apa yang mungkin sedang dia rasakan?

Betapa berharganya sebuah tindakan apabila makna dari tindakan yang kamu lakukan itu berdampak pada seseorang, beruntungnya kalau itu membuat dampak yang positif, tapi kalau negatif? Iya dia bermakna dan kalau dampaknya negatif tindakan tersebut dapat membekas di diri seseorang sampai mungkin orang tersebut mengalami demensia? Atau mungkin amnesia?

Lalu hubungannya dengan empati?

Nah dengan berempati menurut saya seseorang dapat menempatkan dirinya untuk melakukan tindakan yang mungkin setidaknya menghindarkan dari tindakan negatif. Pusing? Ya maksudnya paling tidak dengan memposisikan diri kita sebagai orang lain kita akan merasakan buruknya tindakan negatif yang mungkin tidak ingin orang tersebut rasakan. Paling tidak kalau kita tidak bertindak kita akan diam. Tapi terkadang ada beberapa orang yang tidak sadar bahwa dia sedang melakukan hal yang negatif.

Saya tidak menyalahkan mereka, tapi mungkin ini adalah masa dimana pada akhirnya saya tahu bahwa dengan mengganggap diri saya mereka mungkin memang saya bisa mengikuti alur nya, tapi kalau saya pura pura terus rasanya bukan empati lagi pada akhirnya. Jika sudah lelah pada akhirnya garis itu akan terus terlihat dan mungkin akan berbentuk nyata sebagai tali yang menjegal langkah saya untuk berjalan bersama mereka. Kalau saya yang terus berusaha untuk berlari mengejar mereka, apa mereka akan sadar bahwa tali pembatas kami semakin terlihat nyata dan mungkin dapat melilit saya sehingga saya semakin jauh di belakang mereka? Apa mereka akan mengulurkan tangannya untuk saya? Pada akhirnya saya akan tengkurap dan hanya berharap setidaknya memang ada uluran tersebut, bukan hanya mengulurkan tetapi juga menggandeng saya untuk berada di dalam lingkaran mereka.

Setidaknya mungkin memang ada beberapa orang yang tidak butuh dengan empati saya? Mungkin mereka adalah salah sekian orang yang termasuk.

-Terima kasih kepada mereka yang mengajarkan saya bahwa lingkaran tali itu nyata ada-

“Some day you’ll know, who is you’r real friend or who is you’r enemy. Well It just need a little time”


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